Soulmate or Something You Build?
The quiet beliefs about love that decide what you do when things get hard
Everyone carries a working theory of how relationships succeed, usually without having put it into words. Some believe two people are either meant for each other or they are not; others believe a good relationship is something two people build. The research found these are separate beliefs - you can hold both, or neither - and that they predict very different reactions to the first serious argument. This test adds two older beliefs that quietly shape how couples handle conflict.
Before you start There are no right answers. Pick what is usually true for you, not what sounds best.
Answer about what you believe about romantic relationships in general. If you are single, answer from your views and past experience.
What it measures
Four beliefs: destiny (partners are compatible or not from the start), growth (relationships are built through effort and problems), expecting mind-reading (a loving partner should know what you need without being told) and seeing disagreement as destructive. These are beliefs, not habits: the conflict style and love styles tests measure what you do and feel.
Based on: Implicit theories of relationships: destiny and growth beliefs (Knee, 1998; Knee, Patrick & Lonsbary, 2003), with two subscales adapted from the Relationship Belief Inventory (Eidelson & Epstein, 1982)
Possible results
Destiny
Believing two people are either right for each other or not.
Growth
Believing good relationships are built through effort and difficulty.
Expecting mind-reading
Believing a partner who loves you should know what you need without being told.
Disagreement as danger
Believing that arguing means something is wrong with the relationship.
Common questions
Is believing in soulmates bad for relationships?
Not in itself. Franiuk and colleagues found that soulmate believers are very satisfied when they feel their partner is ideal, and struggle more when doubts appear. The risk is conditional: the belief works well while things feel right and makes rough patches feel like proof of a mistake. Holding it alongside a belief in growth softens that effect.
Can you believe in destiny and growth at the same time?
Yes. Knee found the two beliefs are largely independent, not two ends of one scale. Someone high on both thinks compatibility matters and also that it has to be cultivated; someone low on both may see relationships as largely out of their hands. The combination often says more than either bar alone.
Can relationship beliefs change?
Yes. They are shaped by experience, family and culture, and they shift after significant relationships. Experiments have even nudged them temporarily by having people read arguments for one view or the other. Noticing your own beliefs is often the first step, because they tend to operate unexamined in exactly the moments that matter most.
Sources
- Knee, C. R. (1998). Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation, coping, and longevity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.2.360
- Knee, C. R., Patrick, H., & Lonsbary, C. (2003). Implicit theories of relationships: Orientations toward evaluation and cultivation. Personality and Social Psychology Review. doi:10.1207/s15327957pspr0701_3
- Eidelson, R. J., & Epstein, N. (1982). Cognition and relationship maladjustment: Development of a measure of dysfunctional relationship beliefs. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. doi:10.1037/0022-006x.50.5.715
- Franiuk, R., Cohen, D., & Pomerantz, E. M. (2002). Implicit theories of relationships: Implications for relationship satisfaction and longevity. Personal Relationships. doi:10.1111/1475-6811.09401
An honest note The items are Quinthea's own wording, so scores are not comparable to published norms. The first two bars adapt Knee's destiny and growth scales; the last two adapt two subscales of the older Relationship Belief Inventory, developed by couples therapists and far less studied. Most of this research used young American adults, often students, and beliefs are measured, not relationship quality. Nothing here predicts whether a particular relationship will last.
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