Green Flags or Red Flags?
The four patterns that actually damage a relationship, measured in yours
Red flag lists online are mostly a collection of things that annoyed someone once. The research points at something narrower and more useful: four specific things people do during an argument that predict the relationship going badly, and four corresponding habits that protect it. This test measures how much of each is present in the way you argue - not in your partner, in you, because that is the half you can change.
Before you start There are no right answers. Pick what is usually true for you, not what sounds best.
Answer about your last serious disagreement with a partner, not about your best day. If you are not in a relationship, answer about the last one you were in.
What it measures
Four patterns. Criticism attacks the person rather than the problem. Contempt adds superiority - mockery, eye-rolling, the tone that says you are beneath this. Defensiveness meets a complaint with a counter-complaint instead of taking any of it. Stonewalling shuts down and stops responding. Each band also tells you the specific habit that replaces it, because all four have a documented alternative.
Based on: The four conflict patterns identified by Gottman's observational research, with the prediction claims corrected
Possible results
Criticism
Attacking the person instead of raising the problem.
Contempt
Criticism plus superiority. The one that does the real damage.
Defensiveness
Meeting a complaint with a counter-complaint.
Stonewalling
Shutting down and stopping the conversation from inside.
Common questions
Does a high score mean my relationship is doomed?
No, and anyone telling you it does is overselling the research. These are habits, not a diagnosis, and they are among the more changeable things about how two people argue because each one has a concrete replacement behaviour. What a high score does mean is that a difficult conversation is overdue - not with us, with the other person.
What if it is my partner who does all of this?
Then this test will not measure it, deliberately. A questionnaire filled in about somebody else measures how you feel about them, which is a different thing and a less reliable one. The part of the research that is usable by one person alone is the part about your own four habits. If you are certain the pattern is one-sided and it is not changing, that is a reason to talk to a couples therapist rather than to fill in another quiz.
Is arguing itself a red flag?
No - the observational research is fairly consistent that couples who last are not the ones who argue least. Frequency of conflict predicts very little on its own. What differs is what happens inside the argument and how quickly the temperature comes back down afterwards. A relationship with loud disagreements and no contempt is in better shape than a quiet one with plenty.
Sources
- Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family.
- Heyman, R. E., & Slep, A. M. S. (2001). The hazards of predicting divorce without crossvalidation. Journal of Marriage and Family.
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
An honest note The famous claim attached to this research - that you can predict divorce with over ninety per cent accuracy from watching a couple argue - does not survive inspection, and it is worth saying so plainly because it is repeated everywhere. A 2001 analysis pointed out that those accuracy figures were calculated on the same sample the model was built from, without cross-validation, which is a known way of producing numbers that do not hold up on new couples. What does hold up is the weaker and still useful claim: these four patterns are reliably observed, they are more common in relationships that later end, and contempt is the most damaging of them. Treat a high score as a habit worth changing, not as a forecast.
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