Does Your Partner Really Get You?
Feeling understood, valued and cared for by the person closest to you
Ask relationship researchers what holds a couple together and many will name the same thing: the sense that your partner understands you, values who you are and cares about what you need. Harry Reis and colleagues called it perceived partner responsiveness and made it the centre of how intimacy grows. This test measures how much of it you feel, in its three parts, and where the gap is if there is one.
Before you start There are no right answers. Pick what is usually true for you, not what sounds best.
Think about your current partner. If you are single, you can answer about your most recent relationship, but read the result as a look back rather than a verdict on now.
What it measures
How responsive you perceive your partner to be, in the three components of the intimacy process model: understanding (they get what you mean and who you are), validation (they respect and value you) and caring (they respond warmly to what you need). It measures your perception, not your partner's behaviour. It differs from trust, which is about reliability and honesty, and from attachment, which is about your own style of closeness.
Based on: Perceived partner responsiveness and the intimacy process model (Reis & Shaver, 1988; Reis et al., 2017)
Possible results
Understanding
Feeling that your partner gets what you mean and knows who you are.
Validation
Feeling that your partner respects your views and values who you are.
Caring
Feeling that your partner notices and responds warmly to what you need.
Common questions
What is perceived partner responsiveness?
It is the belief that your partner understands, values and cares for you - that they will pay attention to what matters to you. Reis and Shaver put it at the centre of how intimacy develops: you open up, your partner responds, and if the response feels understanding, validating and caring, closeness grows. In the model, how the response feels to you counts more than the exact words used.
Is this the same as love languages or listening style?
No. Love languages are about how people prefer to give and receive affection, and listening style is about how you listen to others. Responsiveness is about whether you feel understood, valued and cared for by one specific person, whatever form their care takes. Someone can speak your love language fluently and still leave you feeling unseen.
What should I do if my score is low?
Treat it as the start of a conversation, not a verdict. Low perceived responsiveness can come from a partner's behaviour, from your own expectations or from a stressful period that makes everyone less attentive. A study of couples found that support helped most when it felt responsive to what the person needed, so saying specifically what you need is a good first move.
Sources
- Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. Handbook of personal relationships (Wiley).
- Maisel, N. C., & Gable, S. L. (2009). The paradox of received social support: The importance of responsiveness. Psychological Science. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02388.x
- Reis, H. T., Crasta, D., Rogge, R. D., Maniaci, M. R., & Carmichael, C. L. (2017). Perceived Partner Responsiveness Scale (PPRS). The Sourcebook of Listening Research (Wiley). doi:10.1002/9781119102991.ch57
- Crasta, D., Rogge, R. D., Maniaci, M. R., & Reis, H. T. (2021). Toward an optimized measure of perceived partner responsiveness: Development and validation of the perceived responsiveness and insensitivity scale. Psychological Assessment. doi:10.1037/pas0000986
An honest note This measures your perception of your partner, not what they actually do, and only one side of the couple. The items are Quinthea's own wording, adapted from published responsiveness measures, so scores cannot be compared with their norms. The three components come from theory; published scales find them so closely linked that they are usually scored as one total, or as responsiveness versus insensitivity. This is not a relationship diagnosis. If you feel afraid, controlled or belittled, talk to a professional or a support service.