How Kind Are You to Yourself?
The voice in your head when something goes wrong
Most people talk to themselves after a mistake in a way they would never talk to a friend. Self-compassion research measures that gap - and, contrary to what almost everyone assumes, people who are kinder to themselves try harder after failure rather than less hard.
Before you start There are no right answers. Pick what is usually true for you, not what sounds best.
This one asks about your worst moments rather than your best. Answer for how you actually behave then, not how you would like to.
What it measures
Three components: how kindly you treat yourself under stress, whether you see your struggles as part of being human or as personal defects, and whether you can hold a painful thought without either avoiding it or drowning in it.
Based on: Self-compassion scale (Neff, 2003)
Possible results
Self-kindness
How you speak to yourself when you have failed at something.
Common humanity
Whether your struggles feel universal or uniquely yours.
Balanced awareness
Holding a painful thought without avoiding it or being swallowed by it.
Common questions
Will being kinder to myself make me lazy?
This is the most common worry and the evidence points the other way. In studies where people are given a self-compassionate framing after failing a test, they spend more time studying for the retake, not less. Shame makes people avoid the thing they failed at; self-compassion makes it survivable to try again.
Is this the same as self-esteem?
No, and the difference is useful. Self-esteem depends on evaluating yourself positively, which means it needs you to be doing well and tends to collapse when you are not. Self-compassion does not require an evaluation at all, so it is available on your worst day - which is exactly when you need something.
What is one thing I can actually do?
Write the sentence you would say to a friend in your exact situation, then read it back addressed to yourself. It feels artificial the first three times and then stops feeling artificial. This single exercise is the backbone of most self-compassion training programmes.
Sources
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity.
- Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity.
- MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
An honest note This is a reflection tool, not a mental health assessment. If self-criticism is severe, persistent, or accompanied by hopelessness, that is worth talking to a professional about - and it is a very treatable thing to bring to one.